Village Life

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion. When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy? I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn. I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Me fail English? That's unpossible.
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! I didn't get rich by signing checks.

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
George must be spinning in his grave! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? That's why I love elementary school, Edna.

The children believe anything you tell them. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."
Homer no function beer well without. Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Marge, just about everything's a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

The Times

U h, is the puppy mechanical in any way? Why would a robot need to drink? I wish! It's a nickel. Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing. Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really hoped. Are you crazy? I can't swallow that.
I'm Santa Claus! They're like sex, except I'm having them! And then the battle's not so bad? But I've never been to the moon! Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head. You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work, but they don't pay you or let you go. It doesn't look so shiny to me.
[having quickly written a book to trap the Big Brain in] There, now he's trapped in a book I wrote: a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors! I found what I need. And it's not friends, it's things. We're rescuing ya. Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it. It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.
Negative, bossy meat creature! I had more, but you go ahead. But existing is basically all I do! I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo. Say what? Hey, whatcha watching?